12th-degree Black Belt Master- 'The Fly' -doing what only he can do.
How To Effectively Use Your New Reading Glasses
A 12-Step Program- Make a cheap spectacle of yourself to Win and Influence Others.
This page is where you can learn how to maximize the effectiveness of your reading glasses (for purposes other than actually reading) -Tips, Techniques, and pictures of people making cheap spectacles of themselves. And More! Please read on...
Okay, you have just started wearing reading glasses, which means that now you can actually see well enough to read these tried and true tips and techniques designed to help you to get the most out of them. Yes, just wearing glasses can make you look smarter, but that is definitely not all there is to it.
We at ReadingGlassesEtc.com have patiently observed, trained, and experimented for the past 25 years, to transform what essentially was an art form, into a science. These techniques are easy to learn, but like anything else that is worth doing, it takes lots of practice to do them really well. If you just flippantly start glaring at people over your reading glasses, you will probably just come off as appearing annoying and shallow. It takes the proper timing and finesse and training to make these techniques work effectively.
Below, we have compiled various pictures of people using their reading glasses in effective ways to win, intimidate, and otherwise influence others. Some of these poses will look familiar to you. Pay attention to my notes and remember to practice, and you will be an expert in no time.
Cheap Spectacles #1 "The Glare"
(LEFT) The "Classic Glare"- Note the perfect scowl, raised eyebrows, and the mean lines around the mouth. This pose is designed to send shivers down the spine of any misbehaving students and/or grandchildren. (She has obviously practiced a lot!) TRAINING TIP: Have kids, and grow old.
(RIGHT) The "I Will Use My Glasses As A Martial Arts Weapon If You Disagree" Glare- TRAINING TIP: Train exhaustively for years in obscure martial arts styles, and sharpen the temple tips of your glasses into deadly points. (Poison optional.)
Cheap Spectacles #2 "The Chew"
(LEFT) The "Thoughtful Chew"- The intent here, is to promote a thoughtful, introspective look, without appearing to be sexually repressed. TRAINING TIPS: 1-Avoid actually chewing on your glasses unless you are really, really hungry. 2-Unless you are trying an advanced move by combining 2 or more of these poses; no licking, sucking, or putting more than just the tip of the temple in your mouth. -The "Teething Look" only works for babies.
(RIGHT) The "I Have No Idea What You Just Said" Chew- If not performed accurately, this looks a lot like picking something out of your teeth. While this can be useful on occasions, it usually makes people think you are stupid and gross. TRAINING TIP: Common anti-depression medications and over the counter laxatives, really help with this deceptively vapid look. (Consult your doctor for more advice.)
Cheap Spectacles #3 "Well Helllo!"
(LEFT) The "Slightly Seductive" Hello- The smile is working brilliantly here. Nice Teeth. TRAINING TIP: Note how she seems like she is almost, but not quite ready to take her glasses off- that little element of mystery can be very sexy!
(RIGHT) The "Very Seductive" Hello- The key here is the smoldering look. This is the 'Classic Glare' but with a promise of good things to come, as opposed to the eternal hellfire you will endure for speaking out in class. TRAINING TIP: Practice seductively glancing over your shoulder at your stalker.
Cheap Spectacles #4 "Come Hither"
(LEFT) The "Very Literal" Come Hither Look- This one is easy if you have the right outfit.
(CENTER) The "Making Your Ugly Readers Work" Look- TRAINING TIP: Misdirection- Like a magician, distracting that certain someone by making them pay attention to your reading glasses, you can force them to not pay attention to less important things, like your hair.
(RIGHT) The "There Is No Way I Will Come Hither" Look- TRAINING TIP: Uh,... I've got nothing for this one.
Cheap Spectacles #5 "Thoughtful"
(LEFT) The "Thoughtful, Philosophic" Look- No Training Necessary! If you have a finger, put finger on chin, and stare into space. A great "Time Out" move.- You can plan your vacation, do a mental shopping list, or simply wonder why you have never had an important, creative thought in your life.
(RIGHT) Aristotle, Hume, Rand. "They all have strong arguments, but they just do not seem to add up. Well, not to 42. Wait. Bacon. Yessss. Francis Bacon. Bacon=42! God, I love Bacon!"
Cheap Spectacles #6 "Making A Point"
(LEFT) The "Making A Very Fine Point" Look- Note the intense, OCD-like focus on the point the man is making. It really doesn't matter if you, or anyone else, cant see the point.
(RIGHT) The "Evidence Does Not Matter!" Technique- Apparently, especially in politics these days, just saying something over and over again makes it true. Note the finger pointed right at you and the wide, stare through those sharp looking glasses. TRAINING TIP: This is a technique you want to practice in the mirror. Simply pick the topic you want, and start arguing with yourself. Don't forget to point!
Cheap Spectacles #7 The "I Am Smarter Than You" Look
(LEFT) The "Smirky" Look- Almost a smile, but you know when confronted by this awesome technique that you cant win. TRAINING TIP: Become a genius.
(RIGHT) The "Smug" Look- I know this is but a child, but there is a subtle technique here worth reviewing. First note the furrowed brow, and then imagine what he would be expressing to you, if he simply, and artfully lowered his index finger. (No it does not mean "Live Long And Prosper"!)
Cheap Spectacles #8 The "I Am Sexier Than You" Look
(LEFT AND CENTER) The Man- Great glasses, nice teeth. TRAINING TIP: Shave only occasionally and see a dentist regularly. The Woman- Accessories are what its all about! TRAINING TIP: Constantly remind yourself that reading glasses can be sexy, and that clothing is highly over-rated.
(RIGHT) TRAINING TIP: Feeling Sexy is all about Confidence you know!
Cheap Spectacles #9 The "I Am Cuter Than You" Look
(LEFT) The "You'd Better Know That I Am Cuter Than You!" Look- WARNING! THIS IS AN ADVANCED TECHNIQUE! This artist is combining the "Smirk", the "Smug", and the "I Am Smarter", AND the "I Am Sexier" Looks! WOW! TRAINING TIP: To become this masterful you just have to put your nose to the grindstone and practice, practice, practice!
(CENTER) The "I'm Too Cute For Corporal Punishment" Look- This technique only works for puppies, kittens, and your overly cute offspring. This kid obviously has a black belt.
(RIGHT) The "Train Wreck"- A reality check for you. Under training or over training in these techniques can lead to severe damage to your facial muscles and sense of fashion. TRAINING TIP: Unless you are a master like the woman on the left, just focus on one technique at a time.
Cheap Spectacles #10 That "Insane Look"
(LEFT) The "This Is MY World" Insane Look- This is an important technique to master, especially if you are an IT Administrator, or have any other geeky job that allows you complete control over other peoples' job tools. Note the piece of tape around the temple of his readers- it's there purely for effect. TRAINING TIP: Play Dungeons and Dragons in your formative years when you could be dating. (Note to Chris, my computer guy- "Just kidding!")
(CENTER) The "Just Simply Insane" Look- Whether you are a mad scientist wannabe, or are actually insane by nature, it's easy to acheive this look by wearing your dad's old military glasses and just laughing, laughing, madly. But what are you going to do then?
(RIGHT) The "My Meds Are Barely Working" Look- This is a subtle technique that puts people just on edge enough that you can usually convince them to do your bidding. Unpredictability is the key in your attitude. It is rather zen-like. People just don't know whether you are going to laugh, cry, or go postal! TRAINING TIP: Periodically go off your meds, but, (and this is the tricky part) remember to wear your reading glasses! (ed.'s note: At least 50% of the population in America have this technique down cold, so it's a bit over-used.)
Cheap Spectacles #11 The "I Can See Your Brain From Here" Look
(LEFT AND RIGHT) TRAINING TIP: One is only able to achieve absolute mastery of this technique with either highly reflective eyeglass lenses or some sort of Star Trekky, bionic eyewear. They are both effective- Look at the people in these 2 images and ask yourself, "How could I,or would I, reasonably respond to anything they said to me?
Cheap Spectacles #12 The "Just Happy To Be Alive and Be Able To Read" Look
(LEFT) The "Happy To Be Able To See My New Grandchild" Look- No explanation needed.
(CENTER) The "Happy To Be Able To See My Grandmother" Look- Yes, even babies need glasses sometimes.
(RIGHT) The "Thank-You ReadingGlassesEtc.com for providing me a way to ditch these old, outdated readers, for a new sexier style!" - Because everyone needs a new look now and then...
Use Your Reading Powers with Wisdom and Restraint.
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